the girl behind the mask

2009-03-04T12:24:00.002Z

http://marshmallowsandbuttercookies.blogspot.com

my other blog. :)

2009-02-04T01:52:00.002Z

fear is absolute
numbness envelops me
brain freezes
stops working
just when i need it the most
it deserts me.
hands shaking
teeth clattering
body shivering
i give an involuntary shudder.
my doom is near
it's coming
it's happening
how i hope i'm dreaming.
but, i'm not
i'm wide awake
eyes portray terror
i'm dying
fading into the background
disappearing behind falls of shame
death is here.

i miss the days when i used to be absolutely depressed and could come up with poems like these. lol. funny me. :)

2009-01-31T15:23:00.000Z

he has a way of making me feel so ashamed of myself.

2009-01-31T15:07:00.000Z

i've been thinking and i realised that i myself have been childish.

so this post is to say

i'm sorry

to everyone whom i had dragged into my own personal problems.

a masquerade

2009-01-30T17:30:00.002Z

we all hide behind a mask sometimes.

and sometimes, the masks come off, and we show who we truly are.

when you see me, will you like me then?

2009-01-29T13:21:00.002Z

Keith,

A brief candle; both ends burning

An endless mile; a bus wheel turning

A friend to share the lonesome times

A handshake and a sip of wine

So say it loud and let it ring

We are all a part of everything

The future, present and the past

Fly on proud bird

You're free at last.

-Charlie Daniels-

i hope you're in a better place now. we miss you...

2009-01-26T20:23:00.001Z

Can miles truly separate you from friends.... If you want to be with someone you love, aren't you already there?
-Richard Bach-

i wanted to put a picture of all of you (you should know who you are) here. but, i'm just too lazy and not in the mood for picture browsing. it's the thought that counts right?

2009-01-26T19:43:00.004Z

To die and part is a less evil; but to part and live, there, there is the torment.
-George Lansdowne-

i know you don't read this blog, but i feel the need to say i'm sorry i told you i wish you were the one who died instead of keith. i don't mean it. i was angry although i would think that that is no excuse for me to tell you i wish you were dead.

first off.. i know the quote is a bit too.. negative for a 1st day of cny post.. but.. it reflects how i feel right now. and i don't care if we're supposed to be all red and cheerful for cny.. doesnt feel like cny here anyways. but to those back home, who are celebrating..

happy chinese new year..! i hope all of you have a wonderful time

secondly, well.. from the way this year has started, i definitely don't see a happy year ahead of me. maybe it's meant to be. maybe i'm being negative. but to everyone who has stood by me, through all my ups and downs the past few days, thanks so much. it was the only thing that kept me sane.

a couple of days ago, my friend passed away because a truck driver smashed into him.

today, i lost my best friend of three years. maybe he wasn't my best friend to begin with. maybe it was all a beautiful illusion i set my heart out to see. maybe he wasn't even my friend. i have to say losing a friend is hard. but, how one loses the friend defines the depth of how hard it actually is. how did i lose my friend? its all over a game. a silly game that he nor me should really be playing because we have much bigger issues in life to deal with. like passing and getting a good degree. don't ask me how i am.. because i truly do not know. i had a friend who chose in game cash over our 3 year friendship. makes one question everything honestly.

i don't know who i am anymore. who i've become. i don't know what i stand for. i don't know what i want in my life. i don't know what to do with what i have now. i don't know how to deal. when my friend passed away, i wanted you to be there to comfort me. but i got slapped in the face when u gave me the ultimatum of no cash = no friendship. is life meant to be this hard? why do some people breeze through life so easily?

i know life isn't fair. and i remember i told keith, "deal with it". but its hard.. hard to deal with why sometimes we are put through so many obstacles that others are not. so going over these obstacles makes you stronger in life, a stronger person. but what if the obstacles never end. i rather not be a strong person than to have obstacle after obstacle. i'm tired of it all.

yesterday someone called me and told me she wanted to kill herself. i know its tempting. but i've never thought of it. not especially when i think of people who've died... when all they wanna do is live. but it'd be great to be able to escape all these. all these sadness, these disappointments, let downs, to a perfect world where i can just be myself and be happy. even if just for a day.

sometimes, there are some people in life who make you smile. whom you miss the minute they are gone. sometimes, you grow apart with them, your personalities clash, you rub each other the wrong way. and when things go from bad to worse, you should know its time to move on. and sometimes, you realise that the person whom you love, is the one who has been staring at you in the face all this while. ever steady, never faltering. but sometimes, you realise that a little too late, and you've lost them to someone else. then, you deal with it, and be happy for them because its your fault you let him go in the first place.

2009-01-20T09:42:00.001Z

"I wanted a perfect ending. Now I've learned, the hard way, that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next. Delicious ambiguity".
Gilda Radner, 1946-1989

2009-01-19T15:24:00.002Z

i went to irin's blog today. and u know. i actually thought she got robbed. -.-" how was i to know.. it was a quote!

anyways, irin.. i hope u enjoyed london!!! i'm not even sure if u come to my blog ><

2009-01-19T08:09:00.000Z

"Loving someone is giving them the power to hurt you, but trusting them not to"

2009-01-18T15:59:00.001Z

"It takes a minute to have a crush on someone, an hour to like someone, and a day to love someone... but it takes a lifetime to forget someone."

2009-01-16T09:38:00.002Z

updates about me.. it's funny how much thought i have to put in to write an update about myself. and its even funnier how i seem to spend so much time thinking about what to write when i actually don't have the time.

i should be studying. i should be studying. i should be studying.i should be studying. i should be studying. i should be studying. i should be studying. i should be studying. i should be studying. i should be studying. i should be studying. i should be studying. i should be studying. i should be studying. i should be studying. i should be studying. i should be studying. i should be studying.

sorry about the repetitive sentence, i was hoping that if i said it enough times it would sink in my thick thick skull and i would at least have the sense to get a bit stressed and actually get my ass back on track. i am not prepared. i am not the least bit stressed about it. i am worried about myself. is this some new year symptom of some new disease that i have not heard about? i tried to start my essay yesterday but guess what! i ended up surfing youtube and watching two and a half men for like.. 7 hours? how much worse can i get? whoever out there who calls themselves queens/kings of procrastination, obviously you have not met me.

okay enough complaining about myself. it's not gonna make me start working anyhow.

i miss spending time wif irin, mei zhi and najla and faiz (ocassionally) in london. but i don't miss london itself really. my aunt just completely drove me nuts what wif her 11pm lights out policy. i don't do well wif naggy people and authoritative ones. i shud get back to attempting to write my essay. i know i can do it. i just need to be able to start. and tht's whr i'm having the difficulty! starting it. where's ur brain when u need it most? mine's on vacation perhaps.

toodles!

2009-01-15T17:22:00.004Z

HAPPY BIRTHDAY CHLOE MEI !!!

send you virtual birthday cake :D

hope you had a wonderful day! and hope all ur wishes came true..!

i miss you mei <3

ps: technically it's happy belated birthday.. but who's keeping track? ;P)

2009-01-04T18:32:00.002Z

why did i come down so early to london? why did i give in? i should've stuck to my original plan. then, i wouldnt be frustrated at my aunt. i wouldnt be fed up wif my life. i wud be happy. and alone. i'm happy being alone sometimes. and sometimes the loneliness gets to me and hits me hard. makes me drop to my knees and cry out in pain. but i rather be alone than to have to listen to all these constant nagging, constant critiscism.

this isn't home. i'm with family, but it's not home. home is where i make it to be. and home is only when i have those closest to my heart with me. my mum. my dad. my brother. and those who mean more than the world to me. you shud know who you are. if you don't, well, you'd find out sooner or later.

this isn't home. and this wil never be home. not my aunt's house. not london. not uk.

and right now, i want to be at home.

2009-01-03T18:19:00.002Z

ergh. i'm on a curfew of 11pm everyday. and my aunt won't let me use the computer for more than a certain amount of hours. and i made the mistake of playing maple when she is at home so now.. therefore, no maple for me too! the minute i switched on the computer she said no games today yah. SWT.

2008-12-31T23:17:00.003Z

i would like to wish all my buddies, all around the world a very very

HAPPY NEW YEAR

hope 2008 was filled with joyous memories and may 2009 bring much much more

ps: to whomever who has commented on my cbox. thx. but.. i cnt read it.. its BLOCKED by my current network. sadly

2008-12-31T10:49:00.002Z

"i'll let you go for now, hoping someday you'd come back to me"

will you come back to me? or were we never meant to be?

2008-12-30T17:49:00.000Z

"Meeting you was fate, becoming your friend was a choice, falling in love with you was beyond my control!"

i'm in london now. well, i get a nice meal every night, but that comes at a price! i've got an 11pm curfew. i don't ever remember having a curfew. ever. even when i was young. the last time i went to bed at 11 was.. well.. form 5 i suppose.

anyways, i had plans. plans to be more.. disciplined (people who know me wud know.. well.. this has yet to happen). but as a girl can always dream can't she? well, i planned to be more.. disciplined and more hardworking (you know.. like those people who start revising months n months before exams; who get their assignments done a week after its been given) and well.. more studious i suppose. but.. ALL HAS FAILED. and i've only been here... about 3 days? and all i've done is lounge in front of the telly, read the book thief, and maple. i go in maple and then tell people i gtg cos i need to study. and i get all my books and notepad ready.. and then i tell myself.. ok watch one show first. one show leads to the next and the next and the next. help me?

on the bright side, i've always been last minute. and i've always done well enough. but.. i had dreams! to do better than well enough... i still have a couple of weeks.. about 3 to be exact.. to pull myself together. why do i just see more last minute cramming than ever before? i smell doom.

2008-12-25T11:39:00.002Z

MERRY XMAS EVERYONE !!!

hope everyone has a smashing time :)

2008-12-19T09:53:00.001Z

i think she might just kill me for the last post. teehee :D

my lou po

2008-12-19T09:51:00.001Z

<3 yin yin

2008-12-09T13:48:00.004Z

When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives means the most us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving much advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a gentle and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares.
Henri Nouwen

miss you all :)

2008-11-20T09:16:00.001Z

we all make diff choices and we need diff things. i think eventually we learn to define happiness in our own terms despite of the others have caused us
one tree hill

2008-11-18T13:34:00.002Z

"Life is a flower of which love is the honey."
Victor Hugo

what's been going on with me you ask? i think.. i'm letting my life and studies slip away because i cannot discipline myself enough to get my work and reading done. i've let other things take such priority that i don't know who i am anymore. the fact that i've let something like maplestory become the reason for not being prepared for tutorials.. is something so awfully disappointing.

anyways, we all learn from our mistakes. the most important thing is being able to see that i'm at fault and i've made a mistake. so.. the next time i lapse into a maple addiction.. someone please kick me in the butt.

i've got a land law essay due in 2 days. i've yet to start on it because in fact, i've yet to grasp the basic concepts of land law. overreaching? overriding? registered, and unregistered land? 2nd bite of the cherry? stack v dowden? all alien to me. sigh.

2008-11-06T22:18:00.000Z

"Kindness in words creates confidence. Kindness in thinking creates profoundness. Kindness in giving creates love."
Lao Tzu

2008-11-02T22:47:00.001Z

"Hatred paralyzes life; love releases it. Hatred confuses life; love harmonizes it. Hatred darkens life; love illuminates it".
Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

2008-11-02T14:40:00.001Z

it has been raining the whole day today.. perfectly mirrors my mood right now

2008-10-30T13:44:00.001Z

i'm not making sense. do ignore my random rants.

2008-10-30T13:26:00.002Z

"It is not the critic who counts, not the man who points out how the strong man stumbled, or where the doer of deeds could have done better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly, who errs and comes short again and again, who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions, and spends himself in a worthy cause, who at best knows achievement and who at the worst if he fails at least fails while daring greatly so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who know neither victory nor defeat."
Theodore Roosevelt

deep down inside, i've always had this fear of failing, or rather, not doing as well as i should and letting people down. over the past 3 years, i would have to say that i haven't been doing as well as i should and have been letting people down. i know, when i don't do well, there are always reasons, i was sick, this whole thing is new to me, i am in a new country and i haven't adapted, etc. but at the end of the day, these are all just excuses i've come up with to justify why i haven't been doing as well as i should. the past couple of years have been hard on me for various reasons, and most of which i don't have the courage to admit them to most people and even to myself.

i realise that i'm the type of person, who always just goes with the flow. i'm not one of those people who stand out and say "i'm going to be great" or "i shall be remembered in years to come for inventing this n that". i've always rather preferred to stay in the background and be one of those people who did well enough but not too well that i'd attract attention from everyone around me. i was never one of those people that one would strive to beat, or one would dream of being. that kind of thing. and i've got to say, i'm happy that way. i absolutely hate it when the attention is on me. good or bad. bad would be worse of course.

so when someone tells me i need to be proactive, i need to sometimes take certain matters into my own hands rather than wait for people or whatever it is i want to come around. i should be the master of my own destiny, shouldn't i? such reliance on other people for me to achieve whatever i want can be so disappointing most of the time. disappointment in those who let me down, and most of all, disappointment in myself for having such high expectations of them. the very few times i have taken matters into my own hands, have not turned out brilliantly well. i'm not sure if they've turned out well at all. sometimes i get myself into more trouble by speaking out than i ever would by keeping quiet. i'm not sure if those few times that i've taken matters into my own hands, i would say "well, at least i tried" because truthfully, i don't know how that statement can justify anything at all. so what if i've tried. trying and trying again and again just to be disappointed over and over again, can be such a tiring process that it just wears you out completely til sometimes, you don't know who you are anymore, who you've become.

2008-10-30T07:56:00.003Z

life isn't always what we want it to be.
neither is it what we plan it to be.
it isn't always what we hope it will be either.
sometimes, the best thing to do, is to sit back, go with the flow, and enjoy the ride.
after all, it matters not the destination, just the journey along the way.

2008-10-24T08:13:00.002+01:00

some people can get so awfully personal on their blogs. in a way i suppose that's what blogs are for. your online journal. but i find it so hard to spill out my emotions and everything onto a page where it is available for the world to read. what if my problem is with a particular friend? or individual? who has my blog... what then? should i just blog about my problem with them regardless of how it's going to affect them?

maybe we can blog subtlely and not scream to the world yes i'm angry at X or Y. but, if X or Y were to read the post, shouldn't/wouldn't they be able to tell that i'm talking about them? unless they are seriously dumb and ignorant, they would be able to see it. so should expressing ur feelings be at the expense of hurting/humiliating another?

i'm talking crap. should be reading land law right now

2008-10-22T17:13:00.000+01:00

2008-10-21T15:02:00.002+01:00

i know it seems rather silly to most of you that i'm playing a game such as maplestory. but i've got to admit, that sometimes i think my life in maplestory is wayyy more happening than my life in real life. makes it all seem quite sad doesn't it?

anyways. uni. hmm. 2nd year. i started it with all sorts of new resolutions and telling myself that i have to at least work this year, by work i mean like keep up with tutorials, readings, and no more last minute cramming for exams. those who know me well enough, will unfortunately know that, i never succeed in being prepared in advance for anything :s. unfortunately, it's only been the 4th week into uni, and i'm already falling behind in my reading. who to blame but myself? i can't seem to get outta the "summer-break is over and i need to get back to reading" mode that i've gotten myself into for the past 4 months.

law this year, well. the modules i'm doing, some i like more than others and some i plainly just don't get. too technical maybe? or maybe cos i never liked it all along? *hint: public law* :D

2008-10-08T16:09:00.000+01:00

"Some of us think holding on makes us strong; but sometimes it is letting go" Herman Hesse

2008-09-30T03:14:00.002+01:00

i think i have started out this year pretty well. :D i'm happy. and i don't feel lonely.

had a dinner thingymajiggy with my housemates today. we each made a dish from our own country. so i had mauritian food made by monisha. daisy made chapati- the kenyan way! and i made curry chicken. it was edible ohkayy *ahem* they liked it :D mebbe cos they've never had msian curry before so cnt compare. lolx.

it was 3 of us plus 2 more friends. and we had an awesome dinner. the chapatis and the dishes made by monisha were awesome. so full. and then we proceeded to drinking games. lolx. unfortunately we had no drinks. i know, we're a sad and boring bunch. anyhow, we went out and got some cider cos us girls dunt drink beer. :D

and then we watched mock of the week after the drinking game. i was falling asleep during that cos they switched off the lights. and i was/am sleepy. :D

whoopeeee. :D fresher's week has begun.

2008-09-30T03:13:00.000+01:00

daniele might go clubbing tmrw?

*in absolute disbelief*

2008-09-26T23:28:00.003+01:00

henry nouwen once said that:

do you have such a friend?

am i such a friend?

ps: you're definitely not that friend. who was i trying to kid by thinking you were?

2008-09-26T22:51:00.002+01:00

Jim Rohn once said that the more you care, the stronger you can be.

i don't know how true his words are though. the more you care, the more you hurt. does hurting make you a stronger person? or does hurting merely make you more immune to other aches of the world? like hurting so much til you make yourself strong emotionally so that you won't hurt ever again. you put up a wall around you that people can't penetrate. you make it thicker and harder over the years so that people can't get close. so that people can't know the real you. the essence of you. so that they can't hurt you.

i used to be like that. i had walls all around me. i put them up. and i made them stronger over the years. never once did i take the wall down. never once did i let others know how i truly felt inside. i'd wake up go to school and laugh and joke with everyone and never once letting it show that i was crumbling deep inside. not that i was breaking down everyday.

then i decided that i want to be able to feel comfortable confiding in people. i wanted to have a shoulder to lean on. i wanted someone to erase my fears and doubts. i was tired of feeling lonely albeit being surrounded by all my friends. so slowly, i started taking down the wall. brick by brick. layer by layer.

and then, i was bare. no more walls around me. no more protection.

and then i fell. and it all came crashing down. i came crashing down.

disappointment. hurt. betrayal. more hurt.

what's the point of caring if that's what you get. what's the point in trusting if ure going to get stabbed in the back.

i don't want to care anymore. regardless of whether it makes me a stronger person or not. i rather not care and be weak.

2008-09-25T12:19:00.001+01:00

i think i gave myself food poisoning. ish.

on a more random note. just watched the latest episodes of gossip girl. :D

"3 words, 8 letters. say it and i'm yours."

2008-09-25T12:06:00.000+01:00

my stomach hurts.

so uncomfortable. :'(

2008-09-25T08:40:00.001+01:00

hope must prevail when all else fails.

2008-09-24T02:27:00.003+01:00

i broke someone's bag! :'(

i feel so bad.

the worst part is that i was too scared to tell the guy i broke his bag.

:'(

2008-09-22T08:37:00.001+01:00

flu

sore throat

cough

leg cramps

why oh why

2008-09-21T08:49:00.001+01:00

i met lee chong wei n his gf mew choo n misbun sidek :D

i know lah cnt compare with najla meeting jack black n all. but it was pretty cool all the same. :D

2008-09-21T08:45:00.002+01:00

i think i've been too busy with a game and have been neglecting my friends. its a conscious effort now to keep in touch with most people.

2008-09-20T17:56:00.001+01:00

i need a bookshelf!!!

and my table has no drawers!!!

:D

2008-09-19T15:19:00.005+01:00

wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

:D

quote of the day

2008-09-19T15:19:00.001+01:00

Life is short. Forgive quickly. Love truly. Laugh often, and never regret anything that made you smile.

2008-09-18T21:41:00.004+01:00

i miss chatting with the people who actually respond to me on msn.

2008-09-18T21:41:00.001+01:00

hmm.

am feeling quite down right now. and i'm not sure why.

2008-09-18T17:30:00.002+01:00

"and ever has it been that love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation"

i am back in hull. and i've got to say i'm not sure how exactly i feel about it. it's like coming back to a place which is so familiar to you and yet it's not a place you call home.

bumped into some of my classmates and they were gushing about how much they've missed hull. i don't feel the same way though i would have to say. being home was refreshing. i wasn't bored at home although i didn't go out much for the past 3 months. but i wasn't bored. :) home was good.

anyways, i'm trying to psych myself up for the upcoming year. i'm ready to be studying again i've got to say. but then, i might feel a bit differently about it when i actually do have to start. heee. things are gonna be kinda hectic next week. i'm helping out with international week :D i hope it'll be fun.

will continue my hanging post about poland later or tmrw. i do hope the pictures are all still in my lappie. if not well. we'll see.

hie again blogging world. i've missed you.

ta for now

2008-07-18T07:15:00.000+01:00

sometimes i wonder if everything we have to go through in life is worth it.

2008-07-17T09:46:00.001+01:00

life isn't always what we want or expect it to be.

we just have to deal with it.

but whoever said dealing with it would be easy?

warsaw: day 1

2008-06-01T15:18:00.007+01:00

we had to wake up pretty early to catch our 9am flight.. when i say pretty early i mean damn early as in 3.30 am type of early. then my aunt and uncle took us to victoria station for us to catch the gatwick express and we were on our way! i shall not bore you with the flight details.. :)

1pm: we arrived at frederik chopin international airport. took a cab to our hotel.

our hotel.. hmm.. i did not take any pictures of our hotel but i would say that a picture speaks a thousand words.. even naj who took over 400 pics did not take pictures of our hotel from the outside. the hotel looked like one of those apartments in sg petani from the outside. the inside wasn't too bad. a bit old-ish but it was not so bad and we got used to it anyways. the lifts. omg. it was lke those lifts from the olden days where you had to open the door. :) naj took a video maybe i can get it from her sometime or another.

anyways.

after leaving our stuff and freshening up, we decided to find our way into town. unfortunately for us, people here barely speak english. and the receptionist was so "friendly". we did manage to get the correct bus to go into town. but. big BUT here. we didn't know the place so we didn't know where in the world to get off. we had to get to the old town. but we had no idea where the old town was or how it looked like. and the bus driver does not speak english. oops. we eventually got off at one of the stops when we saw a mcd. we had to have lunch didn't we. :) typical students.

first meal in poland: mcd.

after lunch, we decided to use najla's guidebook and we walked around where we got off.

we got off at central which was about ten minutes bus ride to the old town. we found the palace of science and culture. we didn't go inside. but we did admire it from the outside though.

we walked around that, and we were looking for a tourist information counter. we didn't find it though. but we did discover the central train station, which did have a tourist information counter. and we bought 3 day all-day-passes which allows us on the trains, trams and the metro for 3 days. and got directions on how to get to the old town. i didn't hear the directions and assumed naj did. but she didn't either. so we ended up walking round and round the train station, gave up and went in and asked the same lady again. this time, we did get the directions right and we got on the correct bus. this time, once again, we didn't know where the stop was. how frustrating right. *ergh* so when the bus reached its last stop both of us were still sitting in there, and there was this nice lady who kindly told us it was the last stop and showed us the direction of the old town. and when we got there. we were greeted by friendlier sights. :)

we just wandered around for a bit as it was getting late and we were tired. further down the square there was some exhibition by unicef which was going on and we stopped and looked for a bit. and we had dinner. no pics of that though.. but no it wasn't fastfood. and yes, it was in a polish/jewish restaurant. but no, i didn't enjoy my meal that much. BUT, i did enjoy the salad quite a bit. which was weird. for me i mean. :)

the uk bear

the irish bear

i have other bears but i couldn't identify their countries. lol. *blush*

then we headed back to hotel. and i shall blog about day 2 another time.

George Sampson winning the Final of Britains Got Talent 08

2008-05-31T22:48:00.001+01:00

why today is a great day

2008-05-31T21:58:00.002+01:00

my heart is still racing from the britain's got talent final results. so anyways, back to the title of this post:

1. i had dim sum for brunch.
2. i had a nice walk with my aunt and uncle back to their house.
3. i went in tate modern (well just to look around didn't actually go in the gallery)
4. i finally booked and confirmed my tickets home. *jumps up and down*
5. i uploaded my warsaw pics.
6. GEORGE SAMPSON WON BGT!

i think that he does deserve it the most. and plus, he's cute. unfortunately though, he's too young for me.

2008-05-24T19:46:00.002+01:00

HULL WON!!!?!!!!

the holidays have started out perfect. why?

1. my last paper went okay.. i don't think i failed it.
2. had a wonderful dinner on wednesday before i left for london.
3. manchester united won.
4. train to london was nice and smooth.
5. yummy food since coming to london.
6. cosy bed.

and now, hull in premier league. :D

and tmrw, i'm gonna be in warsaw for 4 days. :D:D

2008-05-19T20:32:00.002+01:00

don't start telling me you're just like me, cause no one's like me, i'm unique.

sir alan sugar

2008-05-18T19:51:00.001+01:00

i'm fat.. so what?

sometimes i wish people would learn to see past the exterior...

2008-05-16T18:56:00.001+01:00

i survived!! barely anyways. one more to go now.. :)

2008-05-15T22:55:00.002+01:00

i've always known this about me, but lately it's become more.. serious...

i'm a negative person.

goal to be accomplished in near future: be less negative.

there's always a silver lining. so i must learn to be more positive, more upbeat and less negative and depressive. things always happen for a reason.

like me having plc tomorrow and not being able to bring myself to read anything. at all.

okok.. silver lining now.. after tmrw, it'll be one more paper to go!!!

oh yeah.. one more thing.. i've got a training thingy at this take out place called Yankee Chicken.. i think if i get the job, i might not go home for summer... :( but the silver lining would be that mummy's gonna come here at the end of the year anyways... :)

toodles

2008-05-15T13:54:00.000+01:00

two down.. two more to go!!! and ten days to warsaw!! :D

there's always a silver lining rite? well i hope i live through plc..

2008-05-12T15:33:00.002+01:00

one down three to go!!

*crosses fingers*

i hope i passed tort.

oh, dad got me job internship with law firm back home. so shud i go home or shud i stay here? it's the ultimate decision regarding:

money vs experience

money = can travel!!!
experience = well, that's more for when i need to work i think. or do my bvc.

help??!!??

2008-05-11T21:39:00.001+01:00

exams!!!!

it's gonna be TORTure tmrw. :( oh boy..

2008-05-04T16:30:00.002+01:00

"when we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives means the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving much advice, solutions or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a gentle, tender hand. the friend who can be silent wit us in a moment of despair, or confusion, who cans stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares."

henri nouwen

that is one of my favourite quote of all time. but i have yet to master the skill of being that sort of friend. it kills me knowing that i cannot help.. and that i am powerless to lift your sorrows and make it all better.

i wish i could make it all better...

2008-05-02T15:46:00.002+01:00

spring is here.

sun's out more. leaves on trees. flowers blooming. gorgeous.

it makes me feel peaceful.

2008-05-01T12:00:00.002+01:00

there really must be something about me that screams secretary.

i wonder, do people look at me and think "oh, she'd make a good secretary!"

cos, the secretarial post somehow always sticks to me. since koperasi. i'm not complaining about koperasi though.. i got paid. quite a lot of money too. by the hour too. :) but, there's ALCOM.. and then now, the Malaysian Students Association. and then. surprise, surprise. ROTARACT.

MSA one i brought it on myself. lol. i couldn't decide to go for VP or sec. and my friend sent an email seconding me for sec before i even sent an email. lol. :)

but the surprise, the biggest one of all was rotaract. i didn't go for the elections because of what happened to my back. yes, the elections was on that friday. and yes, i was going to go for it. but. i just found out about me being sec. and if i didn't ask how the elections went. i wouldn't have even known.

reports reports reports. the horrors.

2008-04-30T13:47:00.005+01:00

when i took this pic, i showed my mum..
me: mummy, mummy, see nice not the pic?
mummy: yeah... got two bridges one on top of the other
me: :s it's the reflection of the bridge in the water
mummy: owh...

location: hangzhou (West lake i think)
property of daniele

2008-04-30T12:48:00.000+01:00

exams!! don't they just stress you out?? they stress me out.. :(

i've been having lack of sleep the past couple of days.. and it's not even because i'm studying. it's because i waste the entire day.. and somehow i only start studying late at night.. say 12 midnight? and by the time i'm in the mood.. i'm sleepy already...

i've been watching this new series called top chef. woohoo! it's amazing. i love cooking shows. the only thing i don't like about them is that they make me feel like eating. but not just eating anything.. eating yummy food. so no matter how much i stuff my face after watching the show.. i'm never satisfied.

i feel like baking.

2008-04-29T14:33:00.001+01:00

dr house is back in the house!

such bad timing lah. house is back, brothers and sisters as well. ugly betty too. and my exams are in less than 2 weeks! help..!

2008-04-27T21:19:00.003+01:00

location of pics: suzhou, china
property of daniele

2008-04-27T15:18:00.001+01:00

have i mentioned that prisoner of birth is ah-ma-zing? *gushes*

Us Against The World

2008-04-27T14:25:00.001+01:00

this song means a lot to me. reminds me of all of you..

2008-04-27T01:24:00.000+01:00

i cut my finger with a knife :(

Torn by Johan Lippowitz with Natalie Imbruglia

2008-04-27T00:03:00.001+01:00

2008-04-25T15:51:00.003+01:00

what are the males perspective of women?

i remember my physics lecturer telling me more than once that all women are capable of being bitches.

i don't doubt his observation. i agree with him 100%.

but, if all women are capable of being bitches and most of them truly are, whether they show it or not, does that give the men a right to just group all women together and say that all of them are bitches?

am i making sense?

i think categorising people is human nature. like sometimes you walk past a person and you think to yourself that that person must be a nerd. or you sit at mcd's and you observe people walking by, and you categorise them into the popular gang, the dumb blonde gang, and so on. even i do that, unconsciously. i hate being categorised. and yet, i categorise people.

sometimes i think about it, and i wonder.. what category do people put ME in? i'm definitely not in the dumb blonde gang, not that i'm saying i'm not dumb. i'm just not blonde. and i'm definitely not in the pretty and popular gang. so where do i fit it? need i fit in?

why is it so wrong to just be whoever you are? i find it really hard to be myself. that's because, i don't think i know who i really am. sometimes i see myself as a really uptight person. especially when my housemates ask me to go clubbing with them or for pub crawls. but then i stop and think, if i don't like that kind of socialising, does it make me uptight? in high school, i hung around a lot of people. and sometimes i notice myself picking up their habits. the little things they do. then i realise, i'm not being myself.

but who am i?

i'm just an ordinary girl. who is herself. and i am a combination of all those people i care about.

2008-04-25T15:49:00.001+01:00

i walked for about 30 minutes yesterday to and fro from the doctor's to the pharmacy and back to the house.

my back feels better.

i should walk again tomorrow.

2008-04-24T20:02:00.002+01:00

i hope this pain goes away soon.

i. want. to. go. to. poland.

and also of course i don't want to have to delay my exams and stuff.

hope is always good.

there's no point of living if we all don't have hope. :)

2008-04-24T19:52:00.003+01:00

somehow i am able to blog more when i have things to vent about. hmm

anyways, i finally went to see my gp today about my back. he didn't think it was anything serious and just upped my pain killers to codeine phosphate. let me enlighten you about the side effects of codeine phosphate which i read in the leaflet in the box.

codeine, like many other medicines may cause side effects in some people. here may include drowsiness, nausea, breathing difficulties, low blood pressure (dizziness or fainting), vomiting, a sensation that your surroundings are spinning either up or down or from side to side, headache, dry mouth, sweating, reddening or flushing of the face, change in heart rate (either faster or slower) and palpitations. other side effects include low body temperature, hallucinations, a general feeling of restlessness, uneasiness or of being unwell, mood changes, pinpoint pupils, rashes, itching, nettle rash, reduced sex drive, impotence, abdominal and back pain, problems passing urine and constipation.

so many possible side effects right?? i'm wondering if i should take this med.

*after an hour after i drafted this post*

i've come to the conclusion that i will not take it. not unless the episode on friday happens again.

2008-04-24T11:32:00.001+01:00

my. back. hurts.

and i'm getting tired of it.

2008-04-23T22:05:00.001+01:00

i must be strong. and i must not let this get to me. i will be okay.

2008-04-20T11:36:00.002+01:00

i woke up on friday and had a shower, all was normal and well. after i showered when i wanted to put on my jeans, i realised that i couldnt really bend down, that it hurt. and after that like when i wanted to sit, my back would hurt and all, but i thought my back was just stiff. i wasn't that worried since i could still walk and all. so i decided i'd still go for class. on the way to class, my shoelaces became untied, and i realised that i couldnt reach down to tie them. went for class anyways, took me awhile to get up a flight of stairs and then down another one. and then during class, oh boy, i had a hard time concentrating cos of the nagging pain in my lower back. after class, it took me awhile to stand up and when i managed to i couldnt stand up straight and i had to force myself to stand up straight. and then this time it took me much much longer to go up one flight of stairs and down another one. had to use the railings to make sure i didnt fall.

when i got back to the room, i lied down on the floor... cos my back was aching. after a couple of minutes, i wanted to stand up, and oh boy, i couldnt! it took me some time, managed to force myself to stand up. and then fixed myself a hot water bottle and then lied down on the bed with the hot water bottle on my back. i dozed off for a bit. and when the hot water bottle wasn't hot anymore, i tried to turn around so that i'd be lying down on my back. i couldn't do it immediately, took me some time to turn cos it was so painful. and then i managed to turn and i lied on my back for a bit. after a few mins, i wanted to go to the toilet, and i tried to sit up, and i couldn't. the minute i tried to, the pain would be way too much and i'd collapse back onto the bed. i needed help. but my phone was on the table. which meant that i had to stand up to reach it. how to do that? i had to force myself to sit up again, this time i used my hands to support my weight. and then i tried standing up, and immediately collapsed back onto the bed. had to try again, i needed my phone! tried sitting up again, this time i didn't try to stand, just pushed myself further towards the edge of the bed and managed to reach my phone. texted my housemate to ask her to come back and help me. i was terrified. i couldn't move. all i could do was just lie on my back. the only position that didn't hurt.

my housemate then called nhs, and they told me to take paracetamol with ibuprofen and put an icepack on my back and after 45 mins to try to get up and keep mobile. well i couldnt get up after 45 mins cos the pain was too much. so we called my doctor, who then said up the paracetamol to cocodomol. well, that didn't work either. and i was getting scared. but by this time i managed to drag myself to the floor. cos its a harder surface which would be better. then, i slowly tried moviing my knees towards my chest. which really hurt but i continued doing it anyways cos i had nothing else to do but lie down. and i so badly wanted to at least be able to sit up. around 10 smth pm. i managed to pull myself to sitting down position. but i couldn't sit for too long. just a few minutes i think. and slowly, i tried to stand up. i had to go to the toilet. so i had to try. and finally managed to stand up. ohmygosh. the relief. i was so scared that i would have to be hospitalised or something cos i had been lying down since 12.

now i'm up and walking but it still hurts. and every 15 minutes or so i'd need to lie down. but at least i'm walking.

2008-04-16T20:38:00.000+01:00

guys are jerks.

pas a pas se va luenh

2008-03-28T02:04:00.003Z

i think my blog is getting too depressing. :)

i have decided that i shall not dwell on the bad things in life. surely everything happens for a reason, whether to test my will or my determination; or to make me stronger; or even to see the error of my ways. so what will be will be. si es atal es atal.

still on easter break which unfortunately is coming to an end in a couple of days. was supposed to do tonnes of studying this break. but, being me ;p i did absolutely NOTHING. it's quite amazing how i fill my time doing nothing.

and it snowed, for like the 4th time? in hull. everywhere was covered in brilliant white snow. but just for a day though. by night time, it was all gone... all the beautiful whiteness gone, replaced with wet wet wet sludge and not-so-beautiful looking things. there was so much snow, that some even managed to build HUGE snowmans. taller than me = HUGE. so if u're taller than me, it might not be so HUGE to you. :p

and i decided to give in at last. to temptation. what else. i got myself a new mouse. my old one failed me. horrible thing let me down so bad. and i suffered with it for months. we had a few quarrels every couple of hours. it cost me a lot of emotional sufferings (i.e it frustrated me all the time). so i let that one go, and got myself a new one. of course i'm talking about a computer mouse. now why would i go get myself a pet mouse of all things?

i just finished reading this book called labyrinth by kate mosse. i LOVED it. well, i bought the book a long time ago but only just read it. it was amazing. it's been quite some time since i've felt that way over a fantasy book. and oh oh oh, the latest edition to the eragon-eldest saga is coming out!! i absolutely cannot wait. do wish i was at home though, then i can at least read eldest again first to refresh my memory. :( but, on the other hand, it's coming out soon!!!!!! whee!

2008-03-07T00:23:00.002Z

if today's the last day of my life. i'm having a freaking bad last day. i can only imagine what my afterlife would be like: hell

last day of my life

2008-03-06T15:44:00.006Z

i am blessed to find what i need, in a world losing hope you're my only believe, you make things right, every time after time...
stand by me, Shayne Ward

i was watching tuesdays with morrie again yesterday. and it made me cry. again. and it made me think about how morrie had to discover his dying to be able to finally learn how to live, and how his perfect day is just a simple day, a day all of us take for granted. just one day, surrounded with people you love and doing things you love to do.

have you ever wondered what you'd do if you were dying and you were given a chance of 24 hours of perfect health? what if you knew you were going to die tomorrow? what would you do today? would you do something outrageous? or would you treat today just like it were any other day?

if i were ever given one last day to live. i'd spend it with all the people i love, people who make me happy. i'd do normal things you know... no need to go out with a big bang... but when i die, i want it to be with a smile on my face.

malaysian culture night

2008-03-03T19:47:00.002Z

i would have to say that i quite enjoyed the culture night despite my earlier skepticism about being a part of it. mostly because i had a hell of a busy week last week and wasn't sure if i would be able to contribute anything at all. was supposed to be in the dikir barat but well, i wasn't ready... so instead of me destroying their performance, i was put in charge of props. i was quite wary about that cause of my back hurting the past few days and all. but, i did it anyway. and it was fun to be a part of something after so long. at least, for that night, i did not really entirely feel like i was this loner kid who always does everything alone. i'm not like that, but somehow uni life has turned me into some sort of a loner. i'm not saying that i felt totally part of the msa clique. just felt glad to be a part of some event, even though i did totally feel out of place with the msa people. mostly cause they all already knew each other and had time to bond over the prep for the culture night.

now, less about me and more about the culture night. i didn't snap any pics of it cause well, i was at the side of the stage throughout the entire thing. but i think that all those involved did a spectacular job in putting the whole thing together. some parts where the jokes were kind of lame (to me at least) but somehow, the audience still laughed. wonder whether it is me who lacks the sense of humour, or they are just plain weird. i would go for the latter. :p

mummy has said i can go home for summer... but i haven't decided yet. would love her to come here though... i mean, the only one who has come to see me in hull is my aunt. and well, she cannot stop criticising hull.

i've got a crush on

2008-03-03T03:56:00.003Z

y.o.u.

i can't stop staring at you all the time when you're around

i can't stop thinking how cute you are everytime you smile, and even when you don't

oh boy

pain

2008-02-26T11:04:00.001Z

my back's been hurting constantly the past couple of days. i even tried sleeping on the floor last night! and it still hurts. i feel like an old woman.

i'm quite worried considering my back condition. i wonder if i'm just making a big deal out of nothing. but it really hurts. more than it's ever hurt.

2008-02-17T06:19:00.001Z

Love enables you to put your deepest feelings and fears in the palm of your partner's hand, knowing they will be handled with care

i miss you..

2008-02-16T01:55:00.002Z

over here, it hurts to cry.. because the tears always sting the skin on ur cheeks...

but what is that little pain compared to everything else

tagged!

2008-02-14T11:46:00.002Z

yes irin, i'm still alive! :)

THREE NAMES THAT FRIENDS CALL YOU:
- daniele
- dani
- danu

THREE THINGS YOU’VE DONE IN THE LAST 33 MINUTES:
- took a shower
- switched on the computer
- replied romeish's email

THREE WAYS TO BE HAPPY:
- read a nice book
- go for a movie
- listen to music

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE FOOD:
- chocolatey stuff :D
- fish
- indian food!

THREE PERSONS YOU MISS THE MOST:
- my friends
- my family
- sunway lecturers

THREE GIFTS YOU WOULD LIKE TO RECEIVE:
- money!
- a nice surprise visit
- my family in hull

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE HOBBIES:
- reading
- listening to music
- watching movies

THREE PLACES YOU WANT TO GO FOR HOLIDAY:
- italy
- paris
- any disneyland!

THREE MALLS YOU USUALLY GO TO:
- gurney plaza
- st stephens ( just to tescos!)
- princess quay

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE FAST FOOD:
- mcd
- kfc
- pizza

THREE FAVORITE SPORTS:
- badminton
- squash
- is sleeping counted as a sport?

THREE FAVORITE DRINKS:
- hot choc!!
- fruit juice
- ice lemon tea

THREE PERFUMES/COLOGNES:
errrr.. dunno any

THREE FAVORITE COLORS:
- blue
- orange
- red

THREE EVENTS YOU’RE LOOKING FORWARD TO:
- 19th of march
- 23rd of march
- when semester ends

LAST THREE PEOPLE IN YOUR INBOX:
- surin
- mei zhi's mum
- alvin

THREE THINGS YOU’LL BE DOING AFTER THIS SURVEY
- have my lunch
- watch the kite runner
- read torts!

I TAG THESE PEOPLE
noone

2008-02-14T00:44:00.002Z

happy valentine's day everyone

"If I could reach up and hold a star for every time you've made me smile, the entire evening sky would be in the palm of my hand."

hope everyone had an enjoyable valentine's day- whether with your friend or lover or family. i've just been back from a chinese new year dinner organised by the malaysian society here in hull. ever since i've been here, i keep thinking to myself how it's so much easier to just click with malaysians... to form close bonds... but after tonight... i'm not so sure anymore... most of the malaysians here- the ones who turned up for the dinner anyways, were all mandarin or cantonese speaking... and i felt really out of place. of course there were some who speak in english.. one of them, i've met when i was 13. and yet, for the entire night, she ignored me. why? that is one question i think i will never get an answer to.

i don't find it quite as hard here anymore... but it's not been a smooth ride either.. there have been emotional ups and downs.. disappointments... certain flickers of happiness and of course nights of loneliness... it's not that i don't want to fit in or make new friends... i do... i just find it awfully hard to click with these people, to get along with them.. to have conversations with them that i can have with you guys.. there're some people who blatantly ignore me... some who speak to everyone you hang out with BUT you... it's not been an easy ride so far.. but there are some things that make it so much easier to get through everyday...

it's been almost 4 months now since i've been here... and i've got to honestly say that sunway was probably the best time of my life. i found friends that i could talk to so easily and honestly without a care in the world about whether they're going to judge me... without even trying, i made friends that help being in hull so much better because i know i'll always have them...

oh wells.

hope everyone had a good cny! *hugs*

and happy valentines day everyone!

inconsiderate. you think?

2008-02-05T22:44:00.000Z

i used to love watching winnie the pooh. in fact, i still do. :) and i rememerber a quote i particularly liked from one of the episodes:

a little Consideration, a little Thought for others, makes all the difference

why am i suddenly talking about consideration you might think.. well, i've been house-hunting with a few of my friends recently. i'll start from the beginning.

last week, before the accommodation fair began, daisy and i went around to look around at accommodations offices to get a gist of their property and such. we wanted to book appointments but we had to wait to see when lynette and mila are free (they are the other two people we are moving in with). so we told them, we'd get back to them. which delayed it and all. we wanted to book before the fair so that we could view the nicer houses and possibly get a house we all particularly liked. so here's what happened. we went to the fair on wednesday. halfway through talking to the reps from the offices, lynette says, "guys, i don't want to get your hopes up, but i might not want to move in with you guys..." she said loads of excuses but basically that's it. so we told her that we needed her to confirm asap cause we need to know whether to view 3 or 4 bedroom houses. in the end, she says she'll stay with us. so last friday, we spent the whole day from noon til like 5 in the evening, walking in rain and snow, being bloody wet, getting to the offices and viewing 4 bedroom houses. then, after we finish viewing, lynette starts doubting if she wants to move out again. and she wasn't sure. and then the entire weekend, we (especially daisy) tried to get in touch with lyn and she wasn't answering calls or texts and she wasn't calling back. and then, on monday, daisy and i decide, that's it, we'll just look for 3 bedroom houses. so between classes, we went and booked appointments for 3 bedroom house viewings. you see, on friday, we've already seen this one 3 bedroom house which we thought was quite nice and since mila wasn't there on friday, we wanted her to see the house. so we went and booked an appointment just for her to view the house today. and then, today, in the morning, we went to view another 3 3 bedroom houses, and this time, mila didn't come AGAIN, and she didn't inform us. and she said the day before that she was going to be there. wth right? and we saw this flat we really liked, the location and the flat was quite cosy and nice. so we text mila and told her about the flat. and she says that she can't afford it if our contract starts in july. she rather it starts in august. and we were trying to explain to her that it only starts mid july. not much difference. and then she didn't reply. then we went to class right, and she came in just in time, with lynette. and then, right after class, we were looking around for them, and they had totally ditched us. didn't even bother waiting for us. and we already told mila about that booking. and we tried to call her and at first she picked up, and when we were asking where she was so that we could meet her there and the call got cut. and she didn't call us back or text or anything. and daisy and i were like what do we do??? so we tried calling her again and her phone was switched off. and we kept trying anyways. in the end, it rang. but she didn't pick up. and by that time we had like 40 mins to our next class. and we were waiting in the middle of nowhere, not sure where to go, to go to the accom office that we wanted the flats or the one where we made the appointment. and then they called us, and we explained to them that we couldn't find her so we had to cancel our appointment with them. and we kept trying to call her and stuff and we called lynette to ask her to call us back, but. guess what? no word from her. anyways, we actually told lynette to wait for us after class so we could talk to them and stuff. but we got held up in the other accommodation office, the one with the flat we really liked, and had to skip our lecture because there's been a new enforced "no tolerance" policy (more about that if i ever remember). and after the lecture ended, neither lynette nor mila got back to use. which i found incredibly rude, selfish and inconsiderate. for god's sakes people, i've got two words for you

GROW UP

idiots.

at least, if you didn't want to live with us anymore, tell us. don't bloody leave us hanging like that. did they think good houses would last for long? all the good ones have already been taken up because we had to arrange our viewings so that they won't coincide with mila's working. but guess what, she didn't come to ANY viewings at all. if they pulled out, we wouldn't have been upset with them, a little disappointed maybe. but, leaving us hanging? really. and to think all these people are older than me. ACT like it why don't you.

2008-01-26T23:22:00.000Z

what happened to us?

what happened to the laughter?

what happened to the good times?

what changed?

what did i do? did i do something wrong?

why can't you tell me?

why can't we be the way we used to be?

i feel like giving up. and i don't know if i should.

2008-01-26T22:21:00.000Z

For everything there is a season,
And a time for every matter under heaven:
A time to be born, and a time to die;
A time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted;
A time to kill, and a time to heal;
A time to break down, and a time to build up;
A time to weep, and a time to laugh;
A time to mourn, and a time to dance;
A time to throw away stones, and a time to gather stones together;
A time to embrace, And a time to refrain from embracing;
A time to seek, and a time to lose;
A time to keep, and a time to throw away;
A time to tear, and a time to sew;
A time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
A time to love, and a time to hate,
A time for war, and a time for peace.

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

i hope everything turns out alright...

touched

2008-01-25T18:41:00.000Z

i got my first b'day present today!!! *wide grin*

so sweet of my housemate :)

why

2008-01-22T14:36:00.001Z

do you lie?

i can handle the truth, if only you'd just tell me them

i gotta go my own way

2008-01-21T20:29:00.000Z

i've got to move on and be who i am
i just don't belong here
i hope you understand
we might find our place in this world some day
but at least for now
i gotta go my own way...